The Zoos Shave All the Animals

Today I felt ear pain.

This pain was caused by a song that had some rather high notes in it.

I took part in a singing charity event at work the other month for Children in Need and the organisers had made a DVD for it.

My friend at work lent me the DVD today.

All I'm going to say is that I am not Robbie Williams. I shall never be Robbie Williams and without a great deal of practise, I will never be able to sing 'Kids' like Robbie Williams!

Any chance of some singing lessons please, Jen? I'll plug your blog more! :)

Mark's a nice guy. I've known him for ages, although I haven't been his friend quite as long.

My bad really! Or maybe not if he's serious in this post. :)

Anyway. While at worship practice tonight, we were discussing choir uniforms (again!) and what not to wear.

Someone: ... I was thinking more along the lines of Sam who was wearing...
Someone else: ... can we just wear jeans....
Someone else else: ... no, I like trousers in the mornings...
Someone else else else: ... why in the mornings. What makes it different to the evenings?

etc...

Mark *deadly serious*: Why don't we just go Adam and Eve?

Tom: You first.

To the future.

Those were great films.

Unfortunately, I've wasted a lot of my past, ie: time off over Christmas, and now I find myself back at Uni wondering why I've got a piece of coursework to hand in tomorrow and another one next Monday.

Should probably be doing those, but I thought you guys would like a blog to read.

It's always the thing over the holidays where you never spend enough time exercising, or enough time with God or enough time doing productive things because you always put it off, and then, when you get back to normality, you manage to do all 3 and have time to spare!

Tonight we had a 'new song recording session' at church and I skanked most of their time cos I had 3 songs I wanted to get off the shelf. One of them I'd been waiting to show for about 2 years!

Thank the Lord I'm now in a band and can shove most of my material on to them.
They love it really. ;)

Well. Last week my TV viewing had no less than 5 new shows of my current favourite programmes. Some were from the States though. *Shhhhhhh* and consisted of:

24
Lost
Desperate Housewives
My Name is Earl
OC

TV is being good to me.

Person 1 and 2.

1 "You ok?"

2 "Yeah. Why? Is it because I'm being unusually nice?"

1 "Yeah. something like that. You have to admit that being nice is a little out of character." *wink*

Poor Person 2.

Sometimes it can be good.

And sometimes it can be mean. Very mean.

So.

Today I watched the first 4 episodes of Season 5 of 24.

Did it disappoint in anyway? Were my expectations too high?

.... Heck no!!!

So.
Far.
This.
Season.
Is.
The.
Best.
Fictional.
TV.
I.
Have.
Ever.
Watched.

I don't even mind the fact that I've got to wait a week until the next episode, cos I'm still trying to digest everything that happened, and that will take me about a week! lol.

When you watch it.
You will understand.

Literally.
The world.

I walked into the front room;

Dad: Are we in the northern hemisphere or southern hemisphere?
Me *thinking*: 'You're having me on.'

*I then turn to my brother with my, 'you can't be serious' face.*

Me: You must know?
Bro: What? What hemisphere are we in? Is it northern?
Me: How can you not know?! I'm not even going to bother telling you.

*Stare at my brother for about 20 seconds with my 'you CANNOT be SERIOUS' face.

Bro: Well. If your pulling that face when I say northern, I guess we're in the southern.

Seriously. I think I'm the male version of Lisa Simpson sometimes.

Sometimes it can be great. It can help you find things quicker than ever before.
It can help you buy things cheaper and easier than ever before.
And it can help you keep in touch with the world.

However, sometimes it can be BAD.

Like while your reading about something on a news/entertainment site and there's a little story link on the side which just so happens to give away a plot twist on your favourite show using only 3 little words!!!!!! (and 2 numbers)


GRRRRRRRRRR!

I have a poem.

It was written the other day after Andy preached about walking with God.

The first line is about questions we get not just from people who aren't Christian, but from those who are Christian as well. I'm only mentioning that cos I thought it might be a bit ambiguous. :)

"So many questions, thrown from every side.
We need a vision, to stand when mountains collide
The choice is ours now,
Who do we want to be?
No indecision. Cos now is the time.
Walk in provision. And everything will be fine.
Don’t be afraid now.
To put our faith on the line."

Found these on an email. Very, very funny. :)


BBC's MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Livesaid: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

TED Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing

Oh. My. Word. I could not believe it. I’d actually had a lie in. I got up at 9:30 and I was the last one there for breakfast. This was down to me getting the chance to have my first proper shower for 3 days. I finally felt clean again. I was starving so I ate loads. We had a free morning today so decided to go to the town market. 10 minute walk and we got there. Sat and me bartered for some sandles and I bartered for a scrub brush – my once silver, now dusty red trainers, needed some serious scrubbage!

I had noticed that the sky seemed to be much larger in Africa than in England and I decided it was because there were no buildings in the way. You could see for miles!

After the market we all got a lift back to the guesthouse on borda-borders. (taxi push bikes) This was so much fun! All the locals were laughing and waving as a line of 8 bzungu started racing down this dirt road. I’ll admit I was worried when mine had first set off, but it was great. Back at the guesthouse Sat gave me no option but to share at the school tomorrow. The skank.

After lunch we set out for Kiwoko hospital. Their slogan is very cool:

“We treat. Jesus heals.”

And, of course, we had Michael Jackson blasting in the car for the trip. We were shown around the grounds by a young lady called Claire, saw some interesting sites such as some excellent dancing, and were also told the story of how it was founded. It was a good story... I think... I can’t remember it!

I thought the hospital would be a bit more modern from what Sat had said before, and I know this sounds stupid, but it had a heart. We went to the gift shop where we met Margaret who lived just off the hospital grounds. She was involved in running the hospital. She sat us down in her really nice house and we had some excellent cake. Yum! However, for some bizarre reason we all agree to come to the early morning, prayer meeting (8:15am) the next day. And I wanted sleep.

Afterwards, we drove to our only school visit of the day, Migadde College. Dan, who was another Ugandan, came with us. Unfortunately, we broke down on the way, in the middle of nowhere. I honestly didn’t worry though. I had a trust in God I had never felt before. Well, we did have 2 mechanics with us after all! (Reg and Andy) All they needed to fix the problem was a wire and, low and behold, we had managed to break down right next to a shop which was packed full of wires! God is good! I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we broke down for God’s glory.

Anyway, we eventually got there and it was niiiice. Definitely the nicest school we’d been to. However, someone (Sat) had forgotten to bring the guitar (duh!) but again, God came through and the school supplied us with a guitar. The skits went really well too. I did my Ronan piece and was cheered! I’ll admit that I was completely loving it. But it was all for God. A few people wanted prayer and to give their lives to God which was great, but again, we got the usual, ‘I need sponsorship’ requests as well. I guess you can’t blame people for trying.

We had to rush back to beat nightfall, but the minibus stayed fixed. We ate chips and pasta for dinner at 7:30. Mmmmm. We also practiced some new dramas (well, I didn’t cos I was knackered) and we put on the video of the trip so far. It was very funny. We went to bed at 12o’clock and had to be up at 6:30am…

Funny.

These are two 'thank you' letters with exactly the same words but with different grammer giving them totally different meanings.

1)
Dear Mother,

In law, there is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you so much for the presents! I was expecting nothing more than a token yet, again, you have exceeded even your own incredible standards.
It was a shame you had to stay here for such a short time. I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable seeing you leave. The relief was immense when I heard we might see you again soon. I wanted to end it all by saying goodbye now. I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do not.

Much love

Matthew


2)
Dear Mother-in-Law,

There is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you? So much for the presents I was expecting. Nothing more than a token, yet again! You have exceeded even your own incredible standards.
It was a shame you had to stay here. For such a short time, I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable. Seeing you leave, the relief was immense. When I heard we might see you again soon, I wanted to end it all. By saying goodbye now, I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do.

Not much love

Matthew


There are four other ones which can be found here

Well, after causing quite a stir with my first choice (here) I've decided to continue on.

I'd go and read that first one before reading this next one actually. The comments make me laugh.

Anywho... on with the show.


Friends – webby

I can’t actually remember when I started to watch Friends. It feels like I’ve known Ross, Chandler, Rachael, Monica, Joey and Phoebe for years! I probably watch about 4 episodes a week on average just because it’s on when I eat my dinner.

Overview:
The basic storylines of each show centres around 6 ‘friends’ who live in New York. In one way or another, they have come to know each other and are all best friends. Although each episode can be viewed separately in it’s own right, there are continual storylines running through each Season of which there are 10.

It’s a sitcom (that’s a “situation comedy” – am just saying!) and how! It’s the most consistantly funny programme I’ve ever seen. Everyone can relate to the predicaments thrown up in the show in one way or another, and even if you can’t, it still manages to make you laugh.

‘Friends’ is the greatest anti-depressant I know and has no bad side effects, because while you are watching it, all your worries and problems disappear for those 20-25mins. I’m still watching repeats even though it finished about 2 years ago, which proves that it will stand the test of time… and maybe that I’m also always depressed… Hmmm.

I also bet you quote Friends without evening knowing it.

My number 2 favourite show.

Good luck.

There are about 1,000. Someone told me they thought they were the same person!! lol.


Someone: I wasn't surprised when I saw Sam in (certain programme) cos you'd told me.
Tom: Sam who now?
Someone: Oh... is Paul not him? I did think he'd lost a lot of weight!
Tom: Wait a sec. You thought that Paul Raines was Sam the hobbit?!!?!!???! Haha.

I saw a pop up today showing a local, up to date, weather indicator that you can download and place on your taskbar.

They didn't have a slogan but I thought of some. Feel free to add more!

"For people who have no windows, or who are too lazy to walk over to one."

"Afraid of the 'outside'? Keep up to date on the weather."

"For people who live in bunkers. Now you can find out exactly when the sun will explode."

"Allergic to sunlight? Find out what's really going on outside!"

"Brought a computer instead of some windows?"

"Can't be arsed to open the curtains?"

Happy New Years everyone. I hope 2006 treats you nicely. Apparently the world will end this year. *Apparently*

Anyway, I was thinking about the past yesterday and where I've spent New Years since the turn of the millennium (is it one 'n' or two?).

It actually took me quite a while to remember what happened.

But as Beyonce famously said, "Break it down, y'all!"


2000:
Location - Church
Present - EVERYONE.

This was fantastic. The church basically put on a celebration eve of dance/drama/music/food and then we had a disco to round off a great evening. One of the best New Years I've been to. Maybe the church wanted to all get together in one building, just in case everyone was raptured or if the millennium bug thing happened, at least we'd all die together.

As Maria would say. 'Am just saying!'


2001:
Location - Garf & Becks
Present - EVERYONE (under 30 I guess)

This was great as well. I remember running outside with everyone at 12am on to a muddle field where I stood in a puddle of water or mud. We watched the fireworks from the center and it was cool. Also, I think this was the first year we all did the okekoki.


2002:
Location - Somewhere in Bradley Stoke (honestly, it was someone's house from JCUK who's name I think may have been Andy.)
Present - 'Andy', Adam, Me, T, Bruce, err... and about 4 others I think.

Pants. Pants. Pants. If you're gonna have a New Years celebration, you need more than 10 people present. The really, really, really sad thing is that I think we ended up playing monopoly at one point. That is how much it sucked. I was praying for 12am. The funny thing is that this was the night we *almost* learnt how to play mafia. Unfortunately, 'Andy' was about as good as explaining it as the party was. We did however, uphold the now traditional okekoki.


2003:
Location - Simon & Jane's
Present - Everyone under the age of 30 (just)

We somehow managed to nab Si and Jane's for the evening (down to Shaneen and Jamie I imagine). I can't actually remember a lot about this except a lot of Playstation games were played (Weakest Link mainly). There was good food, but people seemed to just want to relax the new year in rather than dance. It wasn't a bad evening, but it wasn't the best. Again, we made a lot of noise outside at midnight and did the okekoki (wahey!)


2004:
Location - Nig and Est's
Present - Everyone from the previous year and some more
Theme (ohhh it's a Theme!) - Film stars

This was a gooooood evening. We had to act and dress like certain film stars. I was Mr Smith from Matrix. This required very little in the costume dept (all I needed was a suit with shades) and also required very little personality, which was fine. It was great watching people dress up and seeing who they attempted to come as. Also, the impersonations were pretty good. Special credit to T, who pulled off Jack Sparrow. And yeah, we did the OKEKOKI!


2005:
Location - Loz's
Present - Everyone from last year minus a few
Theme - Countries

We had to dress up in the way a stereotypical person from any country we chose would dress. I chose France so I looked French I guess... in Loz's striped top. lol. I was a bit disappointed in the turnout for this though. Everyone seemed a bit lethargic and people seemed to come in and out like... err... people coming in and out of a house. Also, everyone was spreadout around the house in different rooms meaning it was difficult to play games. I do remember having a great time dancing in the front room though. We changed it into a rave and just jumped up and down like loonies. 12am was good as well. We made the most racket we had ever made and, yes, you guessed it, we did the okekoki again.


2006:
Location - Nig & Est's
Present - Over 17's only, so all the youth (under 20's) decided to do there own thang, except 2 of them (Babz and Daz) who came. We also had the pleasure of having the Brummies down all the way from London, Scotland and Birmingham, which was nice. And Mario turned up as well, which was great! Except during the "balloon game".
Theme - Smart (Suits for men, Dresses for ladies)

We had a bit of alcohol present at this one meaning it made for a bit of an interesting evening with regards to... flirting. I didn't have any, cos I was driving. Alright, it wasn't because I was driving, it's because I don't drink. But it was a great evening. I'm not sure what it made it so good. Whether it was the games we played, or the fact that almost everyone at one time or another was up on the dance floor, I don't know. 8-11:30 wizzed by and so did 12am-3am. We played the X-Factor game after 12 and Loz absolutely trashed me pretty much everytime. However, during one of the turns, someone was touching my back and trying to give me a wedgy. Drinkers, eh! lol.

So there's my 6 year catch up. If you got this far, congratulation.

Bring on next year! T and Lis's anyone? ;)